So on Saturday morning I went for a run after a very long time of not working out. It was inspired by my friend Tash Africa, that child has a body chiseled by hours of extremely hard work. She shapes her muscles one by one into a form that she dictates! And even though she lives in Germany and I in Zimbabwe, we are some sort of workout and life buddies. We have never met in real life and yet we understand one another really well, we think alike in so many ways and it is weird how she can get into my brain and vice versa.
Enough about the AH-mazing Tash Africa, I was telling you about how I got my groove back; but I will start with how I lost it. After failing my fitness assessment in January I just wanted to stop working out till I was mentally able to push my limits (this was an excuse by the way, I was just disappointed that I had failed). I had not even prepared for the assessment and the last time I had worked out properly was in October during the preps for the Miss Earth 2014 international pageant. We did workout during the Miss Earth 2014 bootcamp, but it was nothing compared to the work that I had been putting into work out sessions since 2013. When I came back home I had tonnes of excuses for why I could not work out, I even became an expert on jet lag and the need to rest so I would lecture anyone who wanted to get me to resume my normal routine. The truth is that I was just plain scared, I was terrified of the pain during sessions, but I craved the burn.
I have never been good with failure, it has a way of making me want to curl up into a ball, tie myself up in a big knot and separate myself from the world. I am really mind boggled by this feeling of total defeat that engulfs me after failure, it makes me want to not try again because I just might fail and then get disappointed again. One of my goals is to be a fitness trainer, so I told my trainer who agreed to help me reach it. For a long time I walked around with my head held high seeing possibilities, imagining myself as a trainer. When a random text from Eve, my trainer came through saying that I should not miss training because she wanted to assess my form and fitness level I was not excited. Even though I knew what I wanted I had not worked towards it and obviously during the assessment I was skiving, huffing and puffing in lousy form. When she told me I needed to get fitter before she could work with me towards being a trainer I was gutted, so much that I just wanted to give up.
Everyday for the past three months I would look at my to do list and there was a subtitle that was never crossed out nor updated. The word “Superwoman” stared at me in the face daily and I would look at it the way I look at guys who try to chat me up after a “psst” – like it was made of glass and was transparent. Whenever I dared to make an effort and update it I had a reason why what I had set out to do could not be done, so it moved untouched from page to page. Tash and I would swap ab pics, meal tips and workout ideas, but I still felt uninspired. This month I decided it was time to actually get up and do something about the hot mess that I was, to stop wallowing in self pity and change the fate of my goal. It was after a realization that I was not going to click my fingers and be a trainer, that I have to work for it and had I started working earlier I would not be in this pool of discouragement.
Before I became a lazy excuse machine I used to jog for over an hour but on Saturday I only managed 25 minutes of running, walking and wheezing and to my surprise I was not disappointed! Even though I did much less than I used to five months ago, I did more than I had done the day before and I was still pleased with myself because I was 25 minutes closer to achieving my goal. When I got home I went straight into a 30 minute lower body workout that almost ripped my legs off and was highly rewarding!
There is something about working towards an achievement, being real with yourself and pushing your limits while at it. When I started my first real job I was told to under promise and over deliver, it is starting to seem like a principle which does not work well in the relationship I have with me. Maybe if I am real with myself while consistently promising and delivering I will be closer to achieving my goals.
The river flows. . .