I just want to fly. . .

The day of my birth was a bittersweet – you wanted a boy, but you got me; a girl, not very multipurpose and therefore quite useless in your eyes. It was then that James Chimombe’s song took on a new meaning in your life, because “Zvamanga mapihwa makagashra.”(You had no choice, but to accept what you had received). “Makorokoto”(Congratulations)  they said “Ndeedu tese”  (Thank you) you said, half-heartedly, longing for them to stop coming to your house to wish you congratulations for this new baby GIRL – what you wanted was a BOY!

It is rather unfortunate that to you I am “just a girl” and so I am sentenced to life in waiting for Mr Right who ends up being Mr Right Now due to circumstances. I am more than the 7 or more cows that you see yourselves gaining by trading me to the man who will acquire me for the rest of my life. I have many ways to make you proud than to be sold out to a man who I should keep happy if I want to be happy.

Don’t look at me as a summation of my beautiful lady curves! Don’t look at me as a mere product of my biological makeup. I am more than my hips swaying gently from side to side. My arms do more than swing gracefully as I go about my daily tasks.  My chest evolved from the flat boyishness to this very well rounded womanliness not to serve the explicit function of getting me the right suitor.

Your biggest fear is that I will embarrass you and not get married or even worse, that I will not even be marriage material. Should any of these happen then all your hard work would have gone down the drain and I will be a constant reminder of your failed attempt at parenting. In your books, sending me to university not only gives me a good education and social standing – it also increases the bride price. Sometimes you wonder if this university thing is even worth your money, especially because I will get married soon and you will not even enjoy much of my hard-earned cash which I will earn thanks to that very same university education that you strove for me to attain. So you spend your days in conversation between yourselves and with God about how I should get a man who can ‘take care of me’. We all know this really means who will not allow you to feel the financial gap should I be gone too soon.

Today is my rebirth, and I would like you to know that I am more than all these very important things! I am more than what my gender dictates I am. I am who I see myself as – as a daughter, sister, aunt, colleague, partner, wife, mentor and anything else under the sun that I want to be. This ME’s gestation period has been two decades longer than the nine months that it took for your disappointment to register. I hope that presenting this me to you will only bring you pleasure and unspeakable joy!

Let me introduce you to the new me, this me that you gave birth to, but who you did not see because her lady bits blinded you.  It is my hope that you will see me as I see myself because I need your support as I nurture this lady into maturity.

I am waiting for Mr Right, but as I wait I make sure that he finds me right where I intend to be found. I aim to be a good, submissive wife who treats her husband with respect and love. I still look forward to my wedding and my marriage – both are constantly planned for in my mind. He will place value on me not based on the cows that he paid, but on the value I place on myself. I WILL be a source of pleasure for him, in as much as he will be mine. We will be equal, but different and I will know where our differences lie – I will know my position; using my shapely legs to stand right by his side as his helper. He will NOT acquire me, he will show his appreciation to you for bringing me to this world and you will accept his token of appreciation as just that – not a business transaction. I have a price tag – I AM PRICELESS.

I am not summarised as the aggregate of my physical body parts. My legs walk with purpose towards my purpose. My feet step in where I am seeing need, refusing to budge until that need is met. My thighs cradle my notebook at that informal community development meeting or whenever I have to write and write I always will. My knees hit the ground, not only to show respect to my husband; but for a prayer that will change this community. I will find a place to sit – a place where I sit by merit and to gain even more merit just as my male counterparts do. This belly, contrary to popular belief is where my strength stems from. My beautiful, enthralling breasts simply are proof that I am capable of bringing and sustaining a life just as I am. I am not fearfully and wonderfully made to be simply a sexual and manual individual, I AM A CONTRIBUTOR TO THE DEVELOPMENT OF MY COMMUNITIES.

My greatest fears are super failure and super success. I know that somewhere along the line, love and marriage will find me and I will be in the arms of that man who makes me happy and who sees me better than I see myself. You have taught me well the ways of a good wife, I will not let you down on that front. The who and when of marriage worry me sometimes, but they are no longer the constant preoccupation of my mind. Now I am more worried about the path I should take to put that “ding” in the world. The one “ding” that is proof of the forward movement of society, the one that will cause a persistent ripple in the stillness of this world. I AM A RIPPLE CAUSER & I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR YOU.

I am not trying to be the boy that you wanted, I am simply growing into the girl that you got. My cocooning is over, please show me how I can fly and still make you proud.

Your little girl

The river flows. . .