In secret I am pregnant and happy; the baby in my belly gives me joy. Each 8 week old flutter gives me such a delight as I have never known before. I wish I lived in secret while the world watched and thought they were with me. Then I would have my secret which housed my other clandestine matter. Alone with just her, my baby. Yes, it is her, it is she, and she is her; my baby girl. But then again, that is an underground matter.
She has a father who she knows, yet he lives in the great expanse that knows her not. “But he should know! He is her father!” I am walking towards him, silencing that loud-mouthed know-it-all in my head, or is it in my heart? I know he should know, but what then after? Will he go? Will he stay? Will I be alright either way? Well, I will let him stay, stay out there away from out secret!
The pads from last month have gone untouched. Thank God for locks on bedroom doors! Or else she would barge in on our secret! She would know – they Feelsure ‘cause they have Always had a Lifestyle or rather a life cycle! It seems to be getting to me – this baby brain! With half a reason to smile I know she hopes for the best for me. Still, my mother looks like she is in our secret. I can’t push her out – but I shan’t open that door! It is OUR secret!
She still plays house, bless her sweet soul. I won’t have long before I leave THIS house! I leave her a loony legacy, a crooked step ladder and grimy soul windows. Always with me, looking up to me, playing dress-up with my shoes; may she never walk a mile in these? I will surely see to covering these tracks, this path I have rated N for her. NO ENTRY; NO THROUGH ROAD; NO GO or simply just one resounding two letter word – NO! This path is not hers to explore! I cannot live with her having this secret! It is MY secret!
It’s one scandal after another in the hood! Pepukai has finally stood up for his penis’ actions, who thought he would? Especially after putting up a fight that put all those romps to shame! Boldly sashaying as if the world was her catwalk, Viola parades her baby bump! She wonders as do we all – whose baby is that? Nody waddles down the street; leaving behind a string of wagging tongues “only 19, very bright, paternity denied . . .” they go on. Whispers of loss of blood as the ambulance blares its siren and rolls down the road.
“It was a coat hanger!”
“No – it was the brown pill”
“I’m telling you, it was the alcohol and the really hot tub bath!”
“But why not cross the border? In SA it is legal!”
But whatever it is, it doesn’t matter because it did the job. She will be going to hospital, her body scrambling for life before she goes to jail and her brain wills death to pay her a visit because the one who put her here is nowhere to be found. We are deep in the throes of gossip, yet I, a normally willing contributor smile and nod vacantly. Not yet baby, we shan’t tell the world yet!
My uniform still looks good on me – cream blazer and all! It’s athletics season – I need an all year doctor’s note. I could have it BUT I cannot! Classes are interrupted by gagging and reflex with me scrambling for the nearest toilet. Today I am handed a scholarship application form. She truly thinks I can fill it in, but to me the difference is the same – I am sentenced to life. I forgive her, she knows not our secret!
Glassy eyed I sit through the agonisingly long service, is it 10am yet? I cannot go to the altar and sing, it surely is written all over me! They have experienced testing kits in their eyes. One X-Ray omitting look and my secret will be known to all. Being the purely untouched apple of my parents’ eyes makes this imperfectly perfect secret even harder to wrap. Like vultures waiting for the hyena to finish eating so they can land, these ladies will be in there like swimwear as soon as it is out. Let me guard my secret & my parents’ hearts a while longer.
I was young and in love, I still am young and in some form of love. My heart has expanded; I love her too – ferociously! I have so much to lose; he has nothing at all to lose. I had so much to gain, is it still accessible? Maybe he can start negotiations before I show. What option do we have? He said he would, those many days and nights ago. He would clothe me in respect if anything were to happen and happen it has! He said he would be there; just as he was after he was in and out. It was great and now I have an even greater secret. Shall I open the door and let him in on it? IT IS OUR SECRET!